picking up the pieces.

ok jut to warn you, (not that anybody even reads this but whatever), i have absolutely no idea what this post is even about. i am just so frustrated with things at the moment that i need to vent my feelings somewhere. i miss paris. i wasn't born there and have no relatives or people i know living in the city, but it is the place i belong. i went there nearly two year ago for less than a week and i fell in love with the place. paris is my constant and i seem to move home more than anybody i know and so it is the only place that actually feels like home to me.
tonight my family went around to the guys house that i like for dinner. i have been trying to distance myself but i physically can't due to our families being such good friends and it kills me every time i have to see him, knowing i cannot have him. i thought love was meant to be special and cherished, yet whenever i am involved, it is disappointing and leaves me feeling rejected.
i don't know what i want in life and that annoys me greatly. i am over people at the moment. i am over a lot. if you actually bothered reading that, sorry but i needed to tell somebody.

more to life.

if people sat outside and looked at the stars each night, i'll bet they'd live life a lot differently. most would say that you can see more in daylight because at first glance it is true. at night though, a lot more is visible. when the sun is gone you can no longer see the buildings and the cars parked on the street. the rubbish on the ground is no longer there and niether is the colour that your garage door was painted. to a simple soul, all is lost, nothing is to be seen yet the true beauty still secretly remains. look at the stars and the moon, into the beyond. it is there that you see what really matters. that there is more to life than next weeks school dance and paying the phone bill. the night sky is what brings hope that there is a lot out there that we are constantly ignorant to. we play such a small role in the universe yet somehow we manage to make it feel like we are all there is in life and all that truly matters.

in the day, it is a lot easier to get wrapped up in our false sense of reality. the stars, the moon, the planets are all still there, but they are invisible to the human eye as the sun blinds us and all that is left to see is the image of life humanity have somehow created for ourselves.

the dumbing down of love.

have you ever stopped and realized that the person you believe you were meant to be with, is the person that another also believes they love?
have you ever realized that they may feel the same for the other person and will leave you stranded?
maybe they don't like the way you look or they don't find your jokes funny. maybe they think you come from different worlds or you want different things in life. or maybe, it is because you have never told them how you feel.
we are all going to die but whether we truly live before this happens is purely up to us. to lie on your death bed with the regret of not letting others know how you feel about them has got to be the worst thing. so why do we love and not tell? in all honesty, it is because we care so deeply that we are scared of showing weakness and getting pushed away and as we all know, being pushed away feels a hell lot worse than not telling the person because by keeping your love secret, you can still live in hope that something may eventuate.

i am scared for two reasons.
i love a guy who i have known for a long time. he can see right through all of my acts which everybody including my family are able to fall for. i am scared of being rejected, but more so because i am scared that him and my sister will not have the possible future in which they could have. they don't go out, but are practically destined too. i may love him, but i love my sister more. i would rather love in silent than be rejected by two people that i care about deeply.